Judas
by Natalie River
Summary: Severus Snape was never a good man. But that didn't stop him being a great man. Set towards the end of TDH. Snape muses as he prepares to meet his death in the Shrieking Shack. He thinks about Lily who would always be his first true love and about the things he's done. He was never Dumbledore's or Voldemort's. He was always theirs.


_**Author's Note: One shot, slightly AUish.**_

_**Disclaimer: While I really don't see the point of this, while I once owned the first three books and borrowed the rest from various friends I do not own Harry Potter. Hence why I'm writing on fanfiction. Then again, the whole alias thing is appealing to JKR. **_

_**I always thought Snape was playing devil's advocate. I wish it were so. Instead he turned out to be an idiot, a really nasty guy, who eventually did some good things. I always felt Dumbledore to be more greater good than is outright stated, because he always seemed that way to me. **_

_**Anywhoos- thanks for reading and reviewing **_

_**Natalie River**_

* * *

They hated him.

They _all _hate him.

Not that he should care, he doesn't _deserve _to care. He doesn't _deserve _anything less than their hate. Their forgiveness is unthinkable.

When he was younger and foolisher he made mistakes. Dreadful, terrible mistakes. He was willing to let an innocent child and a _good _man die. So long as Lily lived.

Of course he'd hated Potter. But he never wanted him dead.

The Dark Lord knew no mercy; he proved that to Severus Snape. Being part of a group for the sake of being part of a group was one thing. When you're at school and everyone's doing it and its easier to be part of the group that's cruel because not being a part of it is far far worse. He was never going to be one of the _gang _so he might as well join the other side.

Except when Muggles and Muggle borns are being massacred, when no one is safe, when the cruelty is more than vile taunts and a little shoving on the staircase, it's not the same.

He'd been afraid, so damn afraid, and so intent on pleasing his Lord. He should have known. He should have thought of the deaths and thought of the innocents. He should have-

Severus Snape was so afraid.

And he did it.

Because repeating what you heard was different to wielding the wand that killed someone. Except he hadn't _wanted _to do it. He'd gone to Albus Dumbledore a week before hand, he'd begged for help.

Severus Snape had wanted out.

And Albus Dumbledore told him there wasn't a way out.

It wasn't so different after all.

"I always loved her," said Headmaster and Professor Severus Snape as he stared at the mirror in his office. He'd placed it there after Dumbledore's death. Every headmaster placed something new in the office, hence why it was so cluttered.

The Dark Lord didn't take kindly to tardiness or the 'I've just been dragged through a hedge look' even though he expected his Death Eaters to come to him as soon as they were summoned. Last week he _killed _one of his own followers for having dirt on his boots, and then the next day another that had looked at him in an odd way.

He'd eavesdropped on Dumbledore and the mad woman.

He hadn't wanted to take what he'd heard to the Dark Lord. In fact he'd screwed up. He'd been given one job, only one job. _Spy._And he hadn't even managed that, got there too late, listened to the end.

He didn't want to take it to You-Know-Who.

But he did.

It was all staged.

Every single part of it. The older wizard had explained it to Severus and explained it well. No one could know. No one could ever know.

Secretly Severus _wanted _someone to find out. Why would Albus Dumbledore, great wizard, great mind, let him go free if he really was a traitor who'd just listened to an important prophecy if he didn't intend for it to get back to You-Know-Who?

_It was all for the greater good. _

When he heard the Dark Lord had decided that it was Harry James Potter whom the prophecy referred to Severus had wanted to die. He wanted to run to Lily's door and tell her that he hadn't done it out of cruelty that he was on their side that it had to happen.

Severus didn't know why it had to happen. But Dumbledore assured him it did. It had to happen or the Dark Lord would never be defeated.

"How did you know?" he stared at his reflection and span around to face the portrait. "How could you be _sure?" _

"Divination is not simply crystal balls and teacups Severus," said the previous headmaster.

Inhaling unsteadily Severus's shoulders shook. "You gave me my lines; you told me what to do and how to act. I trusted you blindly before Lily and Potter died and I trusted you for sixteen years after that. Through it all I followed you. And you won't even tell me how this brilliant plan will end?"

"You already know how it will end Severus."

When he'd first set eyes upon the boy the Potions' Master had been in awe. Lily's son. Lily's baby boy. He _loved _the child. He'd seen her nature in him and Potter's looks. All but his eyes. He had his Mother's eyes.

Despite common belief Severus Snape never hated Harry Potter. But it was necessary. All for the _bloody _plan. All for the _greater _good.

No one could ever know how hard it had been, how _hard _it had been to treat the boy so cruelly. It had been torturous to glower at the children, sweeping around the corridors like an oversized bat, playing the role of the villain.

"You told me, when I took the job here," Severus began, facing away from Dumbledore, "that a war was coming. That these children needed a minor example of darkness to live with, to fight against, so that they'd be prepared for the real thing. Why did that _have _to be me? What did _I _do?"

"You stood by as Muggles and Muggleborn's were tortured, you gave the Dark Lord access to poisons and self invented spells that helped his cause."

"And I repented. You told me I had to pretend to spy. You made me go to _him. _You...you asked me to be a monster and I was."

So many times he'd had to hide his smile after catching the Weasley twins involved in a devious and cunning plot that would have made _true_ members of his own house proud. So many times he'd lied to members of the Order, shown disgust, shown distaste, when truly he hadn't felt it.

"Harry Potter has become a Messiah," said Dumbledore. "And he needed his Iscariot."

"Why _me?" _

He'd moved on from Lily. Of course he would _always _love her. But he had moved on. There had been other women. But that was detrimental to the plan, to the greater good.

He'd done it all. Every single thing asked of him, because he believed that Albus Dumbledore had a plan that would _really _secure the greater good.

Never shaken Black's hand before he died, never thanked Lupin for any kindness shown to him. Momentarily he'd experienced the warmth that being part of the Order had given him, until he was reminded of the part he had to play.

He'd never revealed to Molly Weasley that she was more of a mother than he'd ever had despite their ages being so relatively close. Never kissed Nymphadora Tonks or told Lupin what a _lucky lucky _man he was, werewolf or not.

Lip quivering Severus ran a hand through his hair.

He'd vowed that he would protect the children of Hogwarts, the innocents of Britain, possibly even the entire world if necessary. He would fight for them, plan or not. Dumbledore and his plan could go to hell.

Staying on at Hogwarts, influencing a system that would have been far harsher without him was the lesser of two evils.

"Harry had the prophecy, you...you were a great wizard. _The _greatest wizard of our time. But why_ me?"_

Dumbledore's portrait was quiet for a moment or two. "Because while you're afraid, you were still brave Severus. I knew that you could do it."

That was possibly the most honest the man had been with Severus since Harry's first year at Hogwarts.

_You raised him like a pig to slaughter. _

Severus had never wanted to do it, but someone had to. "I'm going to die tonight aren't I?"

Severus Snape was Voldemort's very briefly. But he was never Dumbledore's either. He was the people's, and the people needed a villain. Dumbledore just happened to guide him in the right direction. He couldn't blame him.

_All for the greater good. _

"Harry's going to die. I'm going to die. Lily died. You died. What will happen then? Has your plan finally failed? Are we all going to die? There was no point. To any of this."

"There will be many deaths before the night is over," said Dumbledore. "Nothing is certain. There will be a battle. Good or evil will triumph. There are only two options."

"And I will die either way," murmured Severus. "How can you do this? Watch us all die, send us all to our deaths in the name of the greater good?"

"Some things are important Severus."

Bowing his head he nodded. When he opened his eyes they were red and raw. Shaking himself he straightened his robes. Reaching the staircase he turned back to the office.

"Just watch me die."

When he arrived at the Shrieking Shack he wondered absently if the afterlife held a place for him. Faces crossed his mind, victims, innocents, not so innocents. None of which deserved to die. He thought of the battle that would come, the dawn that he would not face.

It would be settled.

Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter would both die that night.

Or Harry Potter would die alone.

For the first time in his life, Severus Snape prayed.

_Why me? _

Severus Snape wasn't a good man. Not even a nice man.

But he was a great man.


End file.
